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  • Writer's pictureRusty Seabutter

Dad-Game Report: Dominions 5

Updated: Sep 19, 2020

Hello old person,

Are you looking for a game that requires no reaction time, gives you bottomless game mechanics to flail around learning, and challenges your eyesight with clicking on lots and lots of tiny things to move them around to be grouped with other tiny things? How about one where you only have to invest 15 minutes per game once a day? Ooo! Ooo! What about one that heavily relies on diplomacy where your aged wisdom is more deadly than your replica LotR sword your wife won't let you keep in the living room?

Do I have a game for you!

Dominions 5, baby!

This game is unintuitive, complex as hell, overwhelming, and has a learning curve on par with such beloved games as EVE Online or Bloodbowl. So of course Groons have fallen head-over-heels for it!

To give a more concise breakdown, here's the deal with it: This is a game where a bunch of poser wannabe Gods grow their empires and slug it out, highlander style, until there is only one. More likely they capture enough thrones on the map to clear the win conditions, but you get the idea. There are dozens of nations in each of the three different ages, and then dozens of "pretender gods" to lead them with, each with their own costs, benefits and access to various magic paths. Nations will start humbly, expand their territory through NPC independents posing mild opposition, and eventually fill the map out until they meet the other players. And then the fun starts!

The real "dad" element that comes into play here is that turns are done offline, submitted and processed simultaneously, so you can do them when once the kids are in bed, you've spent time with your significant other, and you are unwinding with a nice scotch. Or when you are pretending to be working during a pandemic! In between, you'll likely exchange a few behind the scenes discord messages with the other players and scheme and plot your way to being KING OF DA WORLD MA!

There is also an insanely deep lineup of nations, units, powers, spells, items, enemies and so much more to research and learn about. As well, when planning battles, there is a somewhat complex scripting system you can use with your armies to give them their marching orders, that lets you flex your strategic muscle on top of your geeky understandings of the math and mechanics of the game. You can very much exploit weaknesses and poor planning by your opponents, and surprise is as much a weapon as encyclopedic knowledge. This is a big ol' meaty nerd steak that will still reward you for being clever. The more you put in to it, the more you get out of it. It's neat!

This frog ain't afraid of no one, you wimps!

Functionally, players join a lobby to start a new game, which can take a few days, maybe weeks, to fill. They will have to have created a PG ("Pretender God") which you'll need to do a few times before you really get the hang of it. Once all the slots for the game are full, these gods are then uploaded via the game, and then the TURNS BEGIN!

We even have our own bot to yell at you when its time to take em -or- to expose you as the last person who is clearly a cretin and who's sole joy in life is robbing others of fun and clicking excitement!

If this sounds interesting or up your alley, and you wanna play with us, we can walk you through it. Trust me when I say that I am barely, hardly, merely scratching the surface here. This game is almost more of a hobby than a game in the traditional sense, but without all the messy and expensive paint and nerdy action figures. But its also that rare breed of game where you can try your own things and really, truly experiment, and sometimes it works! It also is nowhere near as friendship ruining as Diplomacy, despite the obvious parallels.

So hey, you got nothing better to do! Come click a million tiny men with us and take your rightful spot on the THRONE OF GROON.

Thanks for reading, here's a picture of a snake-legged chicken man PG:

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