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A brief history of Groon

A Tale of Strength, Perseverance, and Mild Brain Damage

Groon has been around of too dang long now, and should have died ignominiously long ago.  Historians believe that it may have been founded in the infamously dark year of 2007 as an EVE Online corporation known as "The Greater Goon."  Very few original members remain, but many of the vaunted newbie class of 2009 still persist in having slapfights about optimal builds and the right of anime to exist.

The Greater Goon was founded by Hoegaarden and El Pinto Grande as a direct reaction to GoonFleet being a bunch of turbonerds with no sense of humor.  Under the now defunct and definitely insensitive/dated recruiting motto of "Retards Welcome," Groon became a home to the idiots and lazy-asses who could not pass GoonFleet's rigorous screening and auth process.  Groons lived in peace and harmony with mostly themselves until the villain Darius JOHNSON (who's name is a hilarious penis joke) conspired to drive Groon from the the Goon family.  Finally, one day he was successful, resetting and terrorizing the kind and gentle Groons and forcing them on a brutal pilgrimage back to their ancestral homeland of Syndicate.

Many dark years followed where the Groons were betrayed by would be allies and forced to lose their Orcas in asteroid belts and Carriers off of the undocks of their NPC stations.  Monstrous enemies sought relentlessly to break the Groon spirit and camp them into their stations.  Mostly they did camp us into stations, but they could NOT break our spirits of shitting up local chat and demoralizing them with our subtle and sophisticated humor and insults.  Groon marched on!

Then a move to the land of Milk and Honey known as AAS-8R breathed renewed vigor into the corporation and alliance.  Other small corps, just as, if not more, inane than the Groons joined their Clockwork Pineapple alliance, and it seemed like a new day was dawning for our precious numbskulls.

Of course it did not.  Just as things began to look up for our heroes, the bitter veterans of the corporation united and brought a coup to bear on the remaining CEO Hoegaarden.  A long, demoralizing, and stupid slapfight took place for many weeks.  All might have seemed lost, but as Hoegaarden fell back to his final stronghold he unleashed his unbeatable weapon on the screaming hoards of Canadians with holes in their chests and to-be-quasi-famous DOTA commentators:  Insane Stubbornness.

The war was over, but at a terrible price.  Many Groons left who were sympathetic to the bitter vet alliance, many good Groons.  Many others decided to do other things for a bit, like pay attention to their families, or perhaps their jobs.  Battered and beaten, Hoegaarden performed the first handoff of the corporation to the next CEO: Rusty Seabutter, who did not want the job, but felt it was his duty to keep this rag tag band of paint chip eaters together.

A procession of leadership and burnout followed from there.  Rusty nurtured the alliance back to stability.  Buss expanded it's horizons and reach, defeating his own coup along the way.  Tim was the worst and basically killed Groon in EVE yet again, though also saw it to some Alliance Tourney success, and Puskarich revived the corp(se) one last time for the fabled Groon Spring which saw many veterans and new Groons come together for one last hurrah in this terrible game.  But then.. the forums died...

Was this the end?  No... Stupid never dies!

Defying all odds, Groon survived yet another calamity, this time in the form of the ultimate betrayal at the hands of their once and first CEO, Hoegaarden!  Hoe had long been gone from the game and the community, but in his eagerness to pursue a fruitless and pointless law degree he had begun to completely ignore any and all communication as it related to Groon (while still, to this day, maintaining control of the EVE corp).  This up to and included the host of the forums repeatedly warning that they were going to stop paying for them, and instead of giving our heroes a chance to save their history and butt pictures, he callously ignored them and allowed the forums to vanish into the ether, lost to time and memory.

Groons, however, remained a stubborn bunch that just can't take a hint, and through a bit of gumption found one another and migrated over to Discord where they have lived and thrived ever since.

In the times since then many notable ventures into other games served as the cement that would keep this bunch of noodle brains playing (and posting) together.​  Many more names and entities have been added to the lists of our defeated enemies, even past the EVE days, from such games as:

  • Blood Bowl

  • Blood Bowl 2

  • Planetside 2

  • DayZ

  • Bus Simulator

  • World of Tanks

  • World of Warships

  • Chivalry

  • D&D Online

  • Elder Scrolls Online

  • Wildstar

  • Albion Online

  • Raft

  • Rimworld

  • Hawken

  • Darkest Dungeon

  • GTA5 Online

  • Oxygen Not Included

  • Don't Starve Together

  • Hollow Knight

  • Deep Rock Galactic

  • Vermintide 2

  • Conan: Exiles

  • ARK

  • Helldivers

  • Diablo 3

  • Divinity: Original Sin

  • Path of Exile

  • Project Zomboid

  • Rust

  • Battle Brothers

  • No Man's Sky

  • Empyrion

  • Total War: Warhammer 1/2

  • SCUM (for literally a day goddammit)

  • Last Oasis

  • More that I'm certainly forgetting

Surely the future holds more incompetent adventures for this stalwart band of ragamuffins.  Perhaps that story will one day be told.... BY YOU!

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